Sitting Pretty: A Totally Biased Ranking of Ottawa's Best Benches

I have sat on an unreasonable number of benches in this town, and I'd like that to be the first thing you know about me. Not because I'm lazy. Because benches are where a town shows its hand. A good bench tells you who a place expects to show up, and for how long.

So here's a ranking. It is not scientific. It is, however, extremely well-researched.

The scoring system (invented on a Tuesday)

Five categories, ten points each:

• Shade. Late-afternoon Kansas sun is not a personality test. It's a punishment.
• People-watching. A bench facing a parking lot loses. A bench facing a sidewalk wins.
• Sit quality. Slats that grab your coat, armrests at exactly the wrong height, a tilt that wants you to slide off. All noted.
• Snack proximity. Coffee within two blocks is fine. Zero is a disqualifier.
• The view. Sunset, water, a courthouse — anything that gives you a reason to look up from your phone.

The bottom of the list

8. The laundromat bench. Listen, I respect it. It's for people who have fourteen minutes left on a dryer and nowhere to be. Comfort: bleak. Snacks: vending machine, and we both know why you're not buying the cheese crackers. People-watching: genuinely excellent, because everyone there is in a transitional moment of their life. A great bench to sit on for four minutes and a terrible one to sit on for forty.

7. The splash pad bench. Seasonal champion, off-season desert. In July, this is the most social square footage in town — parents trading intel, toddlers making no decisions. In November, you'll sit alone and feel the wind doing its thing. Also, every bench within splashing distance gets wet. Bring a towel or bring low expectations.

6. The library bench. Quiet, useful, and facing a door instead of a view. Nobody bothers you, which is a point in its favor, but nobody wanders by either. Solid for reading in the ten minutes before things open. Not a place to lose an hour.

The middle tier, where things get good

5. The university quad bench. Excellent shade under mature trees, decent foot traffic when classes are changing, and a dinner-plate flat reading surface if you sit sideways. Points off for the wood being a little on the unforgiving side after an hour. This is a study bench, not a linger bench.

4. The river trail bench along the Marais des Cygnes. Top-three view in the whole ranking and the best bench to sit on if you want to feel like you're somewhere else for a few minutes. The catch is that it's a destination bench. You don't stumble onto it, you walk to it, and there's nothing to eat within a half mile. Pack a thermos. Earn the seat.

The podium

3. Any bench on the courthouse square. This is the people-watching capitol of Ottawa and I will not be taking questions. You get foot traffic, delivery trucks, someone who knows someone, a dog on a leash, and about four conversations an hour that you will absolutely overhear and think about all week. The stone and concrete benches are cooler than wood in the summer, which matters more every year. Lose a point for shade being inconsistent depending on which side of the square you choose. Choose wisely.

2. The bench near the pond in Forest Park. Shade, water, ducks, and the specific feeling of sitting in a spot that generations of people have sat in before you. Somebody carved initials in the armrest in 1987 and somebody else painted over it and somebody else carved new ones. It's a whole biography in one piece of wood. Best bench in town for a slow conversation or a fast sandwich.

1. The tree-shaded stretch in Forest Park where the afternoons go quiet. This is the one. Good deep shade, a genuine breeze, birdsong instead of traffic, and enough distance from the playground that you can hear yourself think but close enough to feel like the town is alive. It has the sit quality issue of too much time in the weather and the view issue of nothing in particular — and it still wins, because it's the only bench in Ottawa where nothing is asked of you for as long as you're willing to stay. That's the whole point of a bench.

Honorable mentions

• Ballpark bleachers. Not a bench, technically, but the best seat in town on a warm night when there's a game on and the lights come up.
• The bench outside the hardware store. Four minutes, one conversation about weather, a cup of coffee, out. Efficient.
• Any bench where an older gentleman is holding court. Sit at the far end, say hello, learn something. This is a public service.

Bench etiquette nobody asked for

There is a whole bench and you sat at the very end of it. If someone else is already on it, leave real air between you. One seat is close enough that you can hear the other person breathe. Please don't.

Don't take up a bench with your stuff. A bag and a jacket and a coffee is not a picnic; it's a barricade. Move the bag when someone approaches.

Lunch is fine. A full spread is not. A sandwich and a soda, sure. A cooler, a cutting board, and a folding chair is a picnic table situation.

Watch for the sun-cracked slats. Sometime around the third week of July, the armrests get opinions. Sit first with care.

The best bench for each mood

Slightly irritated and need to calm down? The trail bench. Waiting on a friend who is late? The square, where lateness becomes entertainment. Trying to read forty pages of a library book? The park. Killing eleven minutes before an appointment? The hardware store bench, and you'll leave knowing the forecast.

That's the list. Sit down somewhere this week. It's free and it's the most underrated thing in town.